It's a wonderful life

On the 1st of January 2016, the very first day of the new year, I watched It's a Wonderful Life for the very first time.

I found myself in tears by the end, who doesn't??,  but I also felt motivated for the year ahead and the challenge I had set myself.

I know what I'm gonna do tomorrow, and the next day, and the next year, and the year after that.

2016 was the year of the Romeo Project, and as I promised myself and you all, November is when I reflect on how I got on, what I achieved, and what I could have done better. And all I can think about is the very first day of the year and watching a life-changing movie.

It's a Wonderful Life taught me that me that we can plan out our lives, but the truth is that life just happens. Plans don't go our way, things don't go to plan. We can look back and feel regret.

But we also touch so many lives.
No man is a failure if he has friends.
Be good.
Live a life where you do the right thing, not always the planned thing.

You see, George, you've really had a wonderful life. Don't you see what a mistake it would be to throw it away?

I may feel regret about some parts of the Romeo Project, wishing I'd done better, wishing I'd had a stronger plan, feeling self-critical. However, I also spent the year living, actually in-love with living, for the first time. I read, I created, I appreciated, I learned, I explored.

I found that I had a wonderful life. I have a wonderful life. There was so much in my life to feel wonderful about, but throughout the past 10 months, I also cultivated some more. Because you can do that. You can create and change aspects you don't feel wonderful about. You bring other wonderful things into your life. Life is there to be lived. And this year, I lived.

Hurray! The Romeo Project is over and I need a break

The Romeo Project changed my life.
Here we are, at the end of my ten month challenge and ten resolutions. Since the beginning of 2016 I have thrown myself into challenge after challenge, reading self-help books, taking affirmative action, and applying the tips and tricks everyone else is raging about. It wasn't always easy, but I somehow managed to come out at the other end of the tunnel relatively unscathed.

Unfortunately, I didn't fully embrace every resolution or commit to every challenge I set myself with The Romeo Project. To have dedicated myself as much as I had planned to, and wanted to, would have required the project becoming my day job. I wanted to live and breath each resolution to give it the attention it deserved, and the chance to properly make an impact on my mental health and my life.

But taking those initial first steps brought huge change into my life. If it wasn't for the first month's resolution, Be Authentic, I wouldn't have created a vision board and a life handbook; the two forces that made me take steps towards my own goals. Here I am, ten months later, and my goals I set in the first week January have been achieved. I did it. I took positive steps towards my own future happiness and gained skills, a boyfriend, a job, a future. I succeeded. So yes, I will jump at every opportunity to say The Romeo Project changed my life.

Why it's time for a break
I was reading Holly Bourne's What's a Girl Gotta Do? last week and stumbled across my exact current feelings being embodied by the character of Lottie. After committing herself to a feminist anti-sexism campaign, Lottie developed what her friends diagnosed as activism fatigue. Little did I know, it's a real thing.

Believe in Yourself Conclusion

October has come to a close. Out of all my resolutions and all the months of the year so far, October has taught me the most. The month's aim was to explore self-belief and hopefully, by the end of the month, I would believe in myself.

It was a month where I:

Challenged Trichotillomania
Was a #Girlboss

Learnt that belief can be in anything

Discovered some tips for fostering self-belief

Wrote about my own self-belief

Compiled a guide to self-belief

And I almost gave up one day, but I didn't

But it was also a month of self-realisations and mini-epiphanies. Outside of the intended scope of my month's studies I started to learn that I was not the person I had always thought I was. 

I discovered I was someone who could bake, who could sew, who could take initiative and lead, who could make what they saw on Pinterest without it failing. Without realising how much I was being spurred on by self-belief, I tried new things without fear or hesitation. I decided I was a baker now and that was that. 

My new attitude this month reminded me of the Paulo Coelho quote:

“You are what you believe yourself to be.” ― Paulo Coelho

Believe in Yourself was always intended to be my last resolution of 2016 and the Romeo Project. It built on aspects of all my previous resolutions and was an accumulation of all the positive impacts of my previous steps towards happiness. Throughout October I believed myself to be someone in control of my own destiny. I could stop pulling my hair and I could start baking or sewing. All it took was that initial decision to believe I could. 

I don't believe that you can eradicate self-doubt, especially not if you are plagued with self-critical thoughts like I am. However, I do believe that there are days where you can rise above those fears and choose to believe in yourself above all else. And this month I had so many of those rising-above days. 

Challenging Trichotillomania (hair pulling)

At the very beginning of October I went to tie my hair up and discovered a bald spot. I kid you not.

For years I have been pulling out my hair, never thinking of the consequences. But now, I can visibly see the effects, and it is time to stop. I set myself a challenge for Believe in Yourself month - find out more about the compulsion to pull out hair, and try to stop it. Despite years of trying, I have never quite managed to stop biting my finger nails when I am feeling anxious. I had my doubts about hair pulling too, but for the month that I'm in, I needed to believe in myself and fight the compulsion.

What is Trichotillomania?

Mayo Clinic:
Trichotillomania (trik-o-til-o-MAY-nee-uh) is a disorder that involves recurrent, irresistible urges to pull out hair from your scalp, eyebrows or other areas of your body, despite trying to stop.
The cause of trichotillomania is unclear. But like many complex disorders, trichotillomania probably results from a combination of genetic and environmental factors. Also, abnormalities in the natural brain chemicals serotonin and dopamine may play a role in trichotillomania.

I hate days like today

Today I decided to give up blogging. Because I'm shit anyway. It takes time and effort, and I have no effort to give anymore.

Today I criticised the way I looked 10 times before I'd even left the house.

Today I bit all of my finger nails down low so that they hurt.

Today I picked fight after fight with my boyfriend to the point where I didn't even know what I was mad at.

Today I replayed some of the horrible things that happened to me over and over in my head, leaving me feeling degraded and worthless.

Today I decided to bail on my fitness class. It was my first effort at exercising again in months, but I have no more effort in me.

Today I thought about calling in sick to work tomorrow, just so I could recover from today.

On days like today my confidence is at its lowest. I'm self-critical, irritable and frustrated. The longer I stay in this frame of mind the more frustrated at myself I become; frustrated because I can't just snap out of it.

That's what they say isn't it? Snap out of it. Your mental illness isn't real. Pull yourself together. 

I've tried. I've tried the snapping and the pulling and I can't get it to work.

Days like today are bad days. Write-offs. When things are good I forget days like today are even possible anymore. But then they come back and it feels like every day will be a bad day forever more.

Today I have no self-belief. Today is a reminder of why I needed The Romeo Project to begin with, and why I need to keep building up my skills to fight this.

Be a #Girlboss

Last month I read Sophia Amoruso's bestselling book #Girlboss. Sophia founded NastyGal clothing at 22 years old as an eBay store selling second-hand vintage pieces. Ten years later and she has just stepped down from the role of CEO of what has become a multi-million dollar leading fashion company.

To have grown not only a business, but an empire, in just ten years is an impressive feat in itself. But on top of that, Sophia's story is one of rags to riches in the traditional sense too. A high school drop-out, Sophia carved a path for herself through self-belief, determination and sheer grit.

Who else could possible make a better role model during Believe in Yourself month?

"And once you find success, don't stop."

What stood out for me, was how Sophia never gave up. She was told, as we all are, that she would get nowhere without an education and finishing school. But she found a way to succeed beyond the traditional routes. And while doing so, she never strayed from who she truly is.

Authenticity and success.
One of the immediate things that stands out when reading the book, is how self-assured Sophia is. Not only is she determined to succeed, but she is confident in her individuality. Sophia built on her quirky sense of style and her badass attitude, and marketed them as much as the actual clothing NastyGal sold. Never does it seem like she is trying to be cool. She just effortlessly is cool - it's authentic. She was selling a way of life, her own way of life - one that empowered women to feel confident and wear their self-belief on their sleeves.

Self-belief

"An advantage of being naive is being able to believe in oneself when no one else will. I was dumb enough and stubborn enough to pour everything I had into a business called Nasty Gal and to tune out people who tried to tell me I was doing it wrong."

In many ways, perhaps Sophia is right - self-belief is a mix of naivety and stubbornness. It's the doggedness never to give up.  To never consider failure as possible. To sometimes not see giving up as an option. But it's also tossing away your anxiety. I know that if I were to pursue my own business my anxious brain would be lighting up to alert me of all the possible occasions where I would mess up, lose money, fail. I wouldn't be able to tune out my own worries, yet alone other people's advice like Sophia did. She has so much self-belief that it makes her seem almost superhuman to me; as it's a level I doubt I could ever reach.

#Girlboss has left me in awe of Sophia's confidence. Don't get me wrong; she's not cocky nor does she come across as basking in her success.
If anything, she is using her platform to tell young girls and women that anything is possible if you follow your passions and create something you love and believe in.
I want to have that own belief in myself, but it seems to come naturally to Sophia whereas self-belief does not come naturally to me. I keep fearing the worst possible outcomes rather than being lead by own belief.

But maybe I need to adopt Sophia's attitude for a while. Try it on and act like I have self-belief. Wear it like an item of clothing from NastyGal.
Perhaps that's the way to start believing in yourself?

Belief can be in anything

I bought my Canon camera in June 2015. I thought it would help improve the quality of photos on my blog. Like a lot of bloggers, I thought a fancy camera would make me better.

There have been times over the past year and a half where I regretted the purchase.
I hadn't made as much use of camera as I should of. It wasn't worth the expense I had paid if I wasn't going to use it. I wasn't even very good when I did try to use it! In fact, some of the photos were coming out blurry, out of focus, and not of the quality I had hoped.

But last weekend I went out foraging in the local park. I wasn't sure exactly what I was looking for. Some acorns maybe, golden brown leaves, maybe a pine cone.
I spent twice as much time out wandering among the trees than I had expected to. It was calming and one of the best ways I had spent a Saturday in a long time.

When I got back home I decided to put my foraged items to good use; as photo props.
And while playing around with my camera and a very pretty edition of Wilderness Tips by Margaret Atwood, I ended up with this picture.

Never have I taken a picture that I am more proud of.
And being proud of something I have done is not a feeling I am used to.
Belief can be in anything. It can be in your skills to take a beautiful photograph, writing your first draft or entering a competition. Belief isn't limited to success in the workplace. Your hobbies are only possible because of your own self-belief.

So go make something wonderful happen. Create something you can be proud of. And feel pride. Because that feeling is your self-belief flourishing. 

Tips to Foster Self-Belief

Okay, so we know that self-belief is important. We also know that I don't have a whole lot of it right now. So how do we turn that around?

Well it's all about changing your way of thinking according to Norman Vincent Peale.

My self-belief

How can I start a whole month of self-belief before evaluating and measuring my own current levels of self-belief?

I know that my self-worth has improved over the past few years. At a snails pace albeit, but since getting treatment for my mental illness I have been able to make progress towards liking myself.

I don't hate who I am anymore. I know that I have good qualities. I am comfortable with my odd assortment of interests and likes.

At the beginning of the year as I faced turning 24, I knew I didn't want to plagued by self-doubt for another 15 years. I didn't want to just like myself. I wanted to start loving myself. And challenging self-doubt was a huge part of that. Every month of the Romeo Project was set up to embrace my true authentic self and find ways to practice acts of self-care. But could it improve my self-belief?

Do you believe in yourself?

Earlier this week I wrote about the four key ways to foster self-belief according to all the self-help literature I explored this year.

Your Guide to Self-Belief

My resolution for the month of October is Believe in Yourself. You can read my introduction to the month's theme here.
Today, I want to show you why self-belief is so important and why you need it. And I sure know I need it.

What does it mean to believe in yourself?

Self-belief is about how you feel about yourself; not just your looks, but your skills, abilities and interests. Having self-belief means having confidence in your abilities. It's like the opposite of self-doubt. You know you have good traits. You know it's possible for you to succeed. You know you're not a failure.

Believe in Yourself Introduction

"What I know for sure is that every day brings a chance for you to draw in a breath, kick off your shoes, and step out and dance - to live free of regret and filled with as much joy, fun and laughter as you can stand. You can either waltz boldly onto the stage of life and live the way you know your spirit is nudging you to, or you can sit quietly by the wall, receding into the shadows of fear and self-doubt." - Oprah Winfrey, 'What I Know for Sure'

You know what I'm sick off? Self-doubt.

Some days I think I'm ugly, stupid, insincere, inauthentic, a failure.

Some days I don't. I want more days where I'm not filled with self-doubt.

This month I aim to challenge anxiety and self-doubt. I want to start doubting my doubts. I want to have faith in myself, and take steps toward fulfilling my goals. I want to believe that I am enough.

Over the next four weeks I will be exploring self-confidence, positive thinking, and how we define our successes. The final resolution in the Romeo Project is an accumulation of everything I have delved into so far this year. It's the perfect finale to bring all of my happiness studies to a close.

"All you need is right there within you." - Caroline Cameron, The Great life Redesign

You Create Your Own Happiness

"Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions." - Dalai Lama

Conclusion

As September draws to a close, so too does my resolution to Create New Things. Time flew, and despite a few half-hearted efforts, I didn't quite get as immersed in my resolution as I had hoped.

The month started out well. I read Stephen King's 'On Writing' which was not only motivational, but highly informative on how to capture your audience's attention. Despite being written for novelists, there is much for bloggers and journalists alike to get out of it.
And I returned to own my favourite writer and inspirational woman in general, Patti Smith. Writing about how much reading her work has inspired me reminded me of the influence she has had on my life over the past year.

But rather than feeling flooded with creativity as I had hoped, it came in bursts; dipping and rising depending on what I read.

Creativity and Nature

I love Autumn. So much so, I even created an autumnal printable last year to celebrate it's arrival.
Needless to say, I was thrilled to find a way to combine my September resolution and my love of the season this week.

'Mindfulness and the Natural World' by Claire Thompson celebrates the positive effects of the outdoors on our mental health. But not only that, she also believes that immersing yourself in nature can also spark creativity.

"The natural world can invigorate our minds."

Spending time in nature is well known to boost mental wellbeing. It  gives us fresh air, exercise (even if it is just a leisurely stroll), and a sense of calm.
It also gets us away from the routine of everyday life and technology; giving our minds the freedom to expand.

Thompson argues that nature is conducive to creativity; cultivating curiosity in the process.

Create a Vision Board

You create your own luck

Back in January I chose to create a vision board. It was a simple, but creative act to help me map out my plan for the year ahead.

Wake Up! Your Life is Calling and Self Care for Life are just two of the self-help books I looked at this year that encourage their readers to create a vision board

A vision board is a poster, or creative space, where you depict what you want to attract into your life. Don't just select 'things' you want though. Think about what you want to feel, achieve or see. 

And as I was also creating 1, 3, and 5 year plans in my Life Handbook, I tried to tie my vision in to that as well.

My vision for 2016 was to bring more happiness into my life. I wanted to travel more, make an effort in my search for love, improve my career, reignite some friendships and work hard at my blog. Using newspaper and magazine cuttings, I mapped out where I wanted 2016 to take me - a place of happiness, romance, and success.

I placed my vision board on my bedroom wall as a daily visual reminder of what I wanted to attract into my life.

Find Your Muse

or, How Patti Smith Changed my Life

A muse is the source of an artist's inspiration.
WB Yeats had Maud Gonne, Pablo Picasso had Marie-Therese Walter, Patti Smith had Robert Magglethorpe.

Patti Smith
I first heard about Patti Smith’s book ‘Just Kids’ a year ago. I can’t remember what I was reading at the time or where I read it (this anecdote would be so much better if I did!) but I do remember what I read. “Patti Smith’s ‘Just Kids’ is the best book you will ever read and it will change your life.”
I ordered it, read it within a few days, and it did change my life.
‘Just Kids’ is lauded as the seminal biography of artist Robert Magglethorpe. In reality, it details the thought processes of a young woman trying to make it as an artist in 1960s New York. Her roommate and lover Robert is also trying to ‘make it’. This isn't a book review, if you do want to read one, check out this epic piece about 'Just Kids' from the Guardian.

“We gathered our colored pencils and sheets of paper and drew like wild, feral children into the night, until, exhausted, we fell into bed.” 

Create a ritual

Creating a daily ritual has come up in many of the self-help books I've being looking at this year.

Earlier this year, I shared my morning routine. But a ritual is different. A ritual is a 'series of actions performed according to a prescribed order' (Oxford English Dictionaries).

Sports stars have rituals they partake in before games or events; often superstitions performed to ensure good luck. Apparently, Benjamin Franklin wrote naked for an hour every morning to 'refresh' his mind in the cold air (source).
In 'On Writing' Stephen King divulges his own writing ritual. He dedicates mornings, every morning, to writing. His advice for fellow writers is to set a daily writing goal. He sets himself a word count - 2,000 words, or 10 pages per day. He closes the door to his dedicated writing room, has a quiet atmosphere, and doesn't leave until he reaches his goal (hopefully he does leave when nature calls...).

My escape from suicidal thoughts – World Suicide Prevention Day

Today is World Suicide Prevention Day. You can follow the conversations around preventing suicide on Twitter at #WSPD16.
To mark the occasion every year, I share some of my own personal experiences with suicide. This year, my message is a message of hope. It’s a message of survival, coping and recovery.
When considering suicide, it's hard to find any trace of hope. But I assure you, it is there, hiding in plain sight. And when you find it, it sparks you back to life.

My experience of depression was debilitating. I stopped eating, sleeping, showering, attending classes. I walked from point A to point B in a trance. I paid no attention to traffic lights, assignments, deadlines, my health. I just didn't care.

My depression brought with it thoughts of self-harm and suicide. For years I had punished myself for signs of weakness and failure internally. By the time I was 18 I needed to externalise that self-hatred. I turned to hurting myself as a way of coping with the internal pain.

Shortly before my 19th birthday I began treatment for my illness. But while some of my symptoms became regulated, my sense of self remained critical to the point of punishment. I continued to harm myself secretly, not telling my psychiatrist, counsellor or my family.

This is where it starts to turnaround. This is where I find hope. This is where I learn what I needed to survive. 

As my long, slow road to recovery continued through counselling, psychiatry services and medication, I began to realise that I needed to self-motivate if I was to reconstruct my life. I needed to find hope.

Hope came from finding a way to celebrate life.

As I was sorting through boxes of old mementos - letters, photos, leaflets, tickets, postcards - I decided to make use of it all, and also give myself a hobby. I decided to start a scrapbook.

Scrapbooking would be a way to detail my life, show me what I had achieved, what I had to be thankful for, that I was loved and cared for, even when I couldn't see it.

But more than that, scrapbooking provided an outlet for my self-harming thoughts.
Rather than hurting myself, I had another way to channel those feelings. Instead of scratching or cutting, I could cut up old magazines, stick them into place and make a collage. I could glue and stick my life back together.
The time I spent working away at my little life scrapbook was time where my head was clear and calm. It felt rewarding to finish a page, take a step back and admire that I had made my life - something I considered so banal - look pretty.

By 2013 cutting and sticking wasn’t enough for me. I had spent the year struggling with my mental health. I had lost friendships, relationships, my sense of place in the world. I needed something new to free my mind from consuming negative thoughts. I needed to compose.

Expressive writing means to put into words how you feel and what you’re going through. It can help bring healing in difficult situations, such as mental health difficulties and suicidal thoughts.

And so this blog was born. I had no intention of making any of my writings public before this. I was used to keeping a mental health journal to chart my bad days and my moods, but this was a chance to use what I was creating to help more than myself. I could find a solution to a difficult situation or challenge my negative thoughts through my writing. Reflecting allows for learning. But I could also write about my experiences, learnings and feelings and inspire others in the process.

Expressive writing has become one of my go-to coping mechanisms. I still scrapbook and use other creative tools to help me cope with my illness. I go to my bedroom at 9pm each night and colour for an hour before I go to sleep.

Finding my inner-creative has helped me to develop the confidence, self-worth and supports that were necessary for me to overcome suicidal and self-harm ideation.
It lead me to hope; that little knowledge in the back of my head that I am not a waste of space, that things can and do get better, that my experiences can empower me to help others who feel as lost and alone as I once did.

Once you find hope, no matter where or how, I've learnt that it's not so easily lost again. Where you find hope might not be where I found it; in a box of mementos, an empty sketch book and a tube of Pritt Stick. But I promise you it is there, waiting for you to uncover the spark of joy it brings back to your life. Don't give up.

If you have been affected by any of the issues discussed in this post, please visit my Getting Help page.

Create Happiness for Others

"Happiness never decreases if it is shared." - Tal Ben-Shahar

If I am to create my own happiness this month, I have to take Tal Ben-Shahar's advice and share a little bit of happiness around. Inspired by a beautiful anecdote from a 14 year old who used to leave anonymous, positive messages in her classmates' lockers every Friday - Hope you have a lovely day - I wanted to give something back to the kids I work with.

So with a freely available flyer template online (just Google 'free flyer template' until you find one you like) and a little bit of editing on my behalf, with compulsory Disney text, I made the below. Hopefully it will bring a smile to a face, and it will all be worthwhile. 

What do you think? 

Tap into your Creativity

As my Create New Things resolution gets underway, I want to share my tips for living a more creative life with you all.

"A creative life is an amplified life. It's a bigger life, a happier life, an expanded life, and a hell of a lot more interesting life." - Elizabeth Gilbert

I want to tap into my creativity this month to find new and inventive ways towards wellness and the pursuit of happiness. Is it possible to foster a creative mindset that brings happiness with it? Well I'm going to try, and here's how.

Tips for tapping into your creativity

• Always carry a notebook

You never know when inspiration may hit. A notebook and pen is perfect for recording your thoughts, ideas and experiences throughout the day.

• It's okay to have bad first drafts

"Your 20s are about having the courage to write a frightful first draft." - Paul Angone, '101 secrets for your twenties'

It's okay to make mistakes, to make a mess and even to fail. Terrible first drafts can become something better in time.

• Don't be a critic

Everyone has a spark of creativity in them. It's not your place to put out that spark. Look to your own spark in the same way. Don't be too harsh on yourself. 

"The worst enemy to creativity is self doubt." - Sylvia Plath

• It's okay to start with replicas

"Imitation preceeded creation." - Stephen King
Copying what others who inspire you do is a good first step. If it helped Stephen King become the best-selling author he is now, who's to knock this tip?

• Good is as good as perfect

Don't get hung up on perfection. Good ideas may not be perfect ideas, but they're a step in the right direction.

"To live a creative life, we must lose our fear of being wrong." - Joseph Chilton Pearce

• Ask questions

The best way to find what you are looking for is to ask. Question everything to find new, creative solutions and answers. 

Intro to Create New Things

"If you're alive, you're a creative person."

So argues Elizabeth Gilbert, author of 'Big Magic: Creative Living Beyond Fear'. The only reason you don't feel creative, she says, is that you are afraid you have no talent or you're afraid to embrace a creative life.

The penultimate resolution for my Romeo Project this year is to Create New Things. Inspired by how often the word 'create' appears in self-help and self-improvement books, I want to spend the month not only flexing any artistic genes I may have, but also creating opportunities, memories, rituals, and maybe even my own traditions.

"A creative life is an amplified life. It's a bigger life, a happier life, an expanded life, and a hell of a lot more interesting life." - Elizabeth Gilbert

It's not about art or writing, or even talent. It's about living a full life; living Gilbert's amplified life. Gilbert, by the way, is also the author of Eat, Pray, Love. You know, that movie starring Julia Roberts who travels around the world in search of fulfillment that's based on a book? Yup, that's the one! 

There is so much writing dedicated to how creativity and happiness go hand-in-hand. 'The Scientific Reasons Why Being Creative Can Make You Happier' talks about the strong connection between creative expression and overall wellbeing. 'The Link Between Creativity and Happiness' says creativity allows us to express and process emotions as well as focusing on living in the moment.