Letter to My Future Self | World Suicide Prevention Day

Today is World Suicide Prevention Day. It's a day where mental health charities issue statements and politicians make pledges.
Many of Ireland's famous buildings, like Croke Park, are lighting up orange today in solidarity with Cycle Against Suicide.

But to me, suicide is personal.

My depression brought with it suicidal thoughts.
There were times when I wished my life would end. There were times when I wanted to pick up that knife or those tablets or walk in front of that car. There were times when I tried to end it all.
I didn't think of suicide as a selfish act at the time. I couldn't think of anything other than how worthless I was. I tried to rationalise it, embed it with logic - No one will miss me. No one will notice. Now's exactly the right time. Don't wait any longer. They'll be better off without me. 

When I look at how suicide has affected me in the years since, I see how wrong I was. I've felt the loss of people I knew, people I barely knew, and some I didn't know at all to suicide. And every single one of them hurt me.

The theme of this World Suicide Prevention Day is reaching out and saving lives. So today I'm reaching out to myself. I'm making my own pledge. I'm pledging to live with a Letter to my Future Self.

Hey you,

I know things don't seem okay right now. I know you are down and feeling defeated, but I'm here to remind you that you are strong. That you have felt like this before, and you got through it. That you can get through it again.

Remember your first day of college. You had high hopes and ambitions. You walked into Theatre L Newman, UCD for your first ever class with 500 other people and neither of the two people you ended up sitting between were interested in being your friend? Do you also remember how you put on a brave face and tried again the next day? And the next? And for a whole 4 months you struggled to find your feet and feel like you belonged? But eventually you made some wonderful friends. You found a group where you felt like you belonged. And everything felt that little bit better.

Remember that you never have to feel how alone you felt then ever again. That people love you. That you have learned to love yourself. 

Remember when you were a 2nd year student and you wanted to join the Welfare Crew (a group of students who ran campaigns in areas such as mental health)? You turned up to a meeting but got freaked out when everyone else seemed to know each other so you just upped and left before it even began? And you sat outside and cried wishing you had the courage to walk back into that room and try again?

Remember how two months later you finally felt strong and brave enough to attend a meeting by yourself and you met some of the people who would later not only become the people you look up to and admire, but your friends?

Remember now how big a part in your life the Welfare Crew has had and how fondly you look back at it. You never remember the hurt and the tears that come with that first meeting, only the amazing people you now have in your life because of it?

Remember how your counsellor looked at you and smiled at the end of your very first session in almost two years? And he said that he could see how much has changed since you first walked into his doors over 4 years ago? 

He saw you become a strong, passionate, and ambitious person. A person with self-worth. And he said you should be proud at how far you've come?

And you should be proud.

You've come a long way from the girl trembling in the window seat opposite him.

Remember those nights when you wanted to end the pain and suffering? Remember how close you came? How you convinced yourself that it was the best decision; the right decision? Imagine if you had? You wouldn't have had the past 4 years. The past 4 years where you grew and fell in love with life, learned to like yourself. 

And you've done some pretty cool things in that time. Things you never thought were possible for you. Things you had never even considered before. You've gained a voice.
You proved yourself wrong. You are not worthless. You are not nothing.

Be strong again. You can and you will get through this.

You've hit the floor time and again, but time and again you've been brave enough to pull yourself up and try. Try again. Keep trying.

What would life be if we didn't have struggles? Could we appreciate the good times if there weren't times when everything hurt? Moments like these are not weakness. They are the forming of your strength.

You live and you learn and you continue to survive. Five years ago you never would have guessed you'd even be alive today, yet alone where you are now.

That one fact alone is a sign of how time heals. 

Those wounds you're nursing will heal with time. They may not even leave a scar; they could become distant memories you can barely recall.

So don't give up.

You've made it this far. And I'm so proud of you.

Love,

Zoe



** If you're affected by any of the issues in this post, visit my Getting Help page for a list of mental health and suicide prevention organisations and helplines in Ireland.