Why I Talk So Openly About My Mental Health

This month is Green Ribbon month - where See Change and their supporters encourage people to wear a green ribbon in support of those struggling with their mental health and to help us end the stigma around mental illness.

I've been an ambassador with See Change for about four years now. With See Change's support, I share my mental health story in interviews and in talks.

But for a long time I struggled to find meaning in my mental illness. I had suffered in silence for years.

While I struggled with my mental health throughout secondary school,  I never identified it as ‘I have a mental health problem’. It wasn’t something I was aware of, or even educated in.

My only understanding of mental illness as a teenager was how it was represented and portrayed in the media; asylums and straitjackets. Sinead O'Connor and Britney Spears going 'off the rails'. Being 'depressed' was bad and those people were not fun to be around.

As a result, years of bullying in school went unaddressed. Years of anxiety and sleepless nights were never mentioned. Years of low self-esteem, years of feeling isolated, years of hating myself.

When I moved away from home for college, these feelings escalated. My low moods began to affect me physically. I couldn’t sleep, I lost my appetite, and I started to throw up when I was nervous. Without a support network (friends or family) around me in college, I felt isolated and alone. I felt like I was 'missing out' on the college experience I was supposed to have.

I lost hope that things would ever get better and my thoughts turned to suicide. I didn’t know how to ask to help. I didn't know I was supposed to ask for help. I wasn’t sure anyone would help me.

It took a while for me to realise that what I was going through wasn't normal, I wasn't okay. Eventually, an old friend I got talking to convinced me to see a doctor. A diagnosis gave me relief and comfort. I learned this was an illness and that it was fixable. There was hope.

Before my diagnosis, and for months afterwards, I felt so alone. I felt like a failure. I'd disappointed those around me, I'd failed to have the ultimate college experience - whatever that was.

Once I started to see glimmers of recovery, I knew I had to turn my mental health into something positive.

I hated the thought of anyone feeling as alone, scared or lost as I was.

I hated the fact that people who were struggling, who needed help, didn’t know how to ask for or where to get support.

So I joined local campaigns to raise awareness of mental health issues and the supports available.

A few years later, when See Change invited me to join them as an Ambassador, I jumped at the opportunity. Together we could reach more people in dire need. I could show others that things do get better, not to give up hope like I had.

And every time I spoke, someone I didn’t know or who I had lost touch with over the years, would approach me and say ‘me too’. ‘I’ve been there’. ‘Thank you’.

So I would keep going. And I started this blog because I knew I had more to share. I had my whole journey to share. I had stigma to challenge and day-to-day struggles to document.

It’s been 7 years since my diagnosis. And I can’t stop talking about my mental health. It pours out of me.

Because over the years I've learned what was never taught to me in school -

Mental illness is normal; it isn’t something to be ashamed of.

I want to change the way we view, discuss and represent mental illness so that no one ever has to feel as alone as I did.

Find out more about the Green Ribbon campaign taking place all this month at SeeChange.ie.

Why I'm Wearing a Green Ribbon this month

This month, you may spot people wearing a simple green ribbon.

The idea is simple, by wearing the green ribbon, thousands of people are showing their support for ending the silence around mental health.

This year is the fifth year of the Green Ribbon campaign organised by See Change, national programme to change minds about mental health problems in Ireland and end stigma. Half a million green ribbons are being given out for free throughout the country for the whole month of May.

See Change say: "You don’t need to be an expert to start talking about mental health or have all the answers. Sometimes the most helpful thing you can do is to let someone know that you are there for them and simply listen."

Here's why I am choosing to wear my green ribbon again this May.

I am an ambassador for ending the silence around mental health.
It's a symbol of support for a worthy campaign.
It helps create awareness.

I want people to see the ribbon and ask me why I'm wearing it.
I want people to see the ribbon and know that they can talk to me about mental health.
I want people to see the ribbon and without having to say anything, they know that they are not alone.
I want to end the silence and stigma around mental health for me, for those closest to me, for my friends with mental health issues, and for the people I haven't had the privilege of meeting yet.
I want everyone and anyone who is struggling with their mental health to know that they are not alone, and that talking about mental health is a sign of strength.

Whatever your reason for wearing it, you can pick up green ribbons at train stations, all Boots stores and at events in your local areas.

You can find out more about the Green Ribbon project and the events taking place in your community at www.greenribbon.ie.

Things people have REALLY said about my mental health

I didn’t really know what stigma was until I started volunteering for See Change, the national organisation for stigma reduction. Up until that point I would have told you that my mental health was accepted, I was lucky and I hadn’t experienced any stigma.  But we grow up in a society where the word ‘crazy’ is thrown about to describe reckless behaviour, emotional exes, and celebrity breakdowns. We can easily grow accustomed to behaviours of stigma as they’ve become so commonplace.
And little did I know, but I was oblivious to the stigma I had faced for years.

While the vast majority of people have been supportive and kind, it's the harsh words and dismissive comments that often stay with us for longer.

Here’s a look at some of the things people have really said to me when I tried to talk to them about my mental health;

'We all feel like that from time to time, it will pass'
The context: I told someone I was feeling suicidal.
Why it’s wrong: This response refuses to acknowledge the very serious thoughts of suicidal ideation. It’s like saying my feelings and my urge to die was not important. It is so dangerous to ignore or shrug off any suicidal thoughts.

‘You’re okay. You’ll be fine.’
The context: I was scared and crying down the phone to a friend.
Why it’s wrong: Did I sound okay? I felt so far away from ‘fine’ at that point in time, and their shut down made me refuse to talk to anyone else about my low mood for weeks. If someone tries to start a conversation to you about their mental health, listen to them.

‘Were you an emo as a teenager?’
The context: I said I felt lonely, and that no one ever wanted to hang out with me.
Why it’s wrong: Where do I start? There is a terrible presumption that teenagers who look a certain way must be depressed. It’s horrible and offensive. I never would have identified myself as ‘emo’, but here I was being told I must have been if I was feeling lonely.

‘You’re attention seeking.’
The context: I said I was worried I might have Bipolar Personality Disorder.
Why it’s wrong: Any attempt by someone to reach out for help and question their mental health should be encouraged and supported. Mental illness isn’t fashionable, and those who try to self diagnose should be encouraged to seek professional help, not made to feel as if they made it up to gain notoriety.

‘Stop feeling sorry for yourself.’
The context: Honestly, I think I was just skulking around the place as I generally do.
Why it’s wrong: If there was a magic button to press so I would stop looking miserable, then don’t you think I’d press it? Faking a smile doesn’t come easy to me; so when I’m down I can’t really hide it. But depression is about so much more than feeling sorry for yourself.

‘You’re imagining it.’
The context: I thought somebody hated me; in fact I was sure I’d heard them call me ‘crazy’.
Why it’s wrong: Paranoia often accompanies a lot of different mental health issues. I remember thinking that people who looked at me when I was walking down the street hated me. I thought people knew I was worthless just by my presence, or lack thereof. But the other side of this is stigma. Stigma is alive and well, and I do still believe that I was called crazy because I remember distinctly hearing it!

‘Things could be worse.’
The context: I get this one a lot, in fact, I know I’ve also said it a few times too.
Why it’s wrong: No shit Sherlock. I actually spend most of my time worrying about what could go wrong and how much worse things could be. That comes with generalized anxiety. But knowing this doesn’t make my immediate feelings anymore muted. For a long time I felt so selfish for being depressed as I knew there were people who had it worse than I did. My mind continued to torture me irregardless.

Please think twice before dismissing someone's mental health. It takes a lot of courage for someone to begin the conversation and seek help. Don't be so quick to dismiss them.

And think before you speak. You can't take it back. Your words can be more damaging than you can ever imagine.

Mental Illness Is Real

Lately I've become very aware that there is still a stigma around mental illness. Throw-away comments have opened my eyes to a world that up until recently I liked to think we no longer lived in. A world where people don't understand mental illness.

And I say this in the most basic sense. Mental Illness is almost impossible to understand without a lived experience. I can only imagine the reality of life for people who experience anorexia or schizophrenia. But that doesn't mean you can't be sympathetic and supportive. 

What I mean by 'people who don't understand mental illness', is that there are people who doubt whether mental illness is real. Here's a sample of the quotes I heard:

I always thought depression was just because you had too much time to think.

Monday was meant to be the most depressing day of year. well if we all survived, I guess none of us committed.

And because of the context of these comments and where they took place, I didn't have the courage to speak up and challenge them.

A little inspiration gets me through where I've been

Today I wanted to share my volunteer work with See Change with you. It’s all about the ripple effect; starting the conversation about mental health here on my blog can lead to another conversation about mental health, and another... It’s a ripple effect that can touch entire communities.

See Change is Ireland’s national programme working to change minds about mental health in Ireland. They work in partnership with over 50 organisations to create a community driven social movement to reduce the stigma and discrimination associated with mental health problems.

See Change campaign through the 1 in 4 statistic;

The statistic is that one in four of us will experience a mental health problem in our lifetimes:

1 in 4 . . . That’s enough people to fill Croke Park 14 times over.

1 in 4 . . . That’s six times the population of all our Universities and ITs combined.

They work to increase and promote mental health awareness through campaigns such as #makearipple and the Green Ribbon project.

In March 2013 I attended a training day with See Change to become a national volunteer.  

 ‘Every person has the power to help stop the stigma of mental health problems.’

Some of my fellow RippleMakers

The simple half-day briefing gave me the confidence and motivation to be a change in my community.

The Green Ribbon project was brought to Ireland by See Change in May 2013. The idea was simple; make the month of May a national month of mental health awareness. Just as the Pink Ribbon has become synonymous with Breast Cancer Awareness in October, the Green Ribbon could represent mental health. Wearing a ribbon would become a sign that you supported the cause, not through monetary donations, but through awareness and starting a conversation about mental health.

The Green Ribbon launch was the first See Change project I became involved with. Throughout May 2013 I handed out ribbons at Conferences, my University, in Hueston Station, and to my friends and family. I spent the month interacting with strangers, spreading the message and sharing the cause.

See Change paved the way for me to not only raise mental health awareness in outreach events, but to add my voice to the cause. In March of this year I was asked to become an Ambassador for the programme.  I was invited to begin using my experiences with mental health to help others. The speaking opportunities that now presented themselves allowed me to begin to share my story. In May I was in the Sunday Independent speaking about my experiences with Depression.

Ending Stigma one blog post at a time

Me. In a national paper. I could never have dreamed I would be brave enough, yet alone given the opportunity. But that’s the beauty of the See Change belief. That everyone’s mental health story is important and powerful. I will forever be grateful for what See Change have given me. I probably would never have started this blog if it wasn’t for the new importance they helped me give to my mental health story.

But it’s also an example of the importance of volunteering – giving your time can open up so many new opportunities.

It’s the ripple effect.

I went from volunteer,  to youth panel member, to ambassador, to blogger.  Each time talking about mental health; taking a stand against stigma.

ALL the Green Ribbons

The First Steps To Recovery

The First Steps to Recovery

Often the hardest part of a mental illness is seeking help. That difficult step, saying 'I am not okay', is also the first move towards recovery. But a diagnosis and a prescription for anti-depressants don't make all of your problems disappear. You cannot suddenly say 'I am okay'. There is no quick fix.

I was diagnosed with 'severe depression' in April 2011. It was a release to have a diagnosis. It was nice to put a name on how I had been feeling. I realised that I was sick; this illness was a part of me, it affected my mood, my personality, but it wasn't WHO I was. I was given the hope that I could get better, I could find happiness in life again.

Following my diagnosis I was sent for counselling. I attended two counselling sessions in my University's Health Centre, but the free service meant a strained waiting list and I was soon lost in the system. Two sessions were not enough to aid my recovery; I had barely touched on the surface of my illness.

But the summer came quickly and I moved back home. Any hope I had gained from my initial diagnosis was lost amid the incessant free time and loneliness I now faced. As I documented in Crafting To Ease The Pain I don't deal well with a lack of structure and alone time. I returned to the same low, hopeless girl I had been just two months before hand. My suicidal ideation reappeared. I felt that I had investigated every option of potential help and they had failed. I was losing the battle against myself. 

While a part of me was vying to give up, another part of me knew that there was a way in which I could pull through. There was one solution that I hadn't properly tried yet - Counselling. In early September I made the decision to call the Health Centre and make an appointment to go back to counselling. The difference was that this time I didn't need somebody else to save me; I didn't wait for someone else to tell me to go seek help. I found the strength to save myself. 

I had a new Counselor this time around, and we clicked. While I still struggled with the decision to drop out of my course that September, I was exploring my illness in a way that I hadn't before and I was beginning to make progress. For two months we would talk through my week together and rate my mood on a scale. I came to realise my Depression was shaped by my environment; by circumstance. Slowly, with his help, I began to recognise my triggers. But a large part of the battle was still my own to fight.

In November 2011 I stumbled across the most crucial part of my recovery. I became involved in Mental Health activism through a Mental Health Awareness Week in my University. That one event became two, three and grew to where I am today; a national Ambassador with See Change. It helped me to fight my personal battle; giving me a better understanding of my illness and what I was dealing with, but most importantly it gave me a purpose. At outreach events I was able to inform people about mental health and mental illness, and people started to open up to me about their experiences. I was able to make new and understanding friends. These like minded people became my teammates, my friends, my support group. And I became a fighter in the cause.

My Depression became something more than just 'My' battle. It empowered me to be a change in my community, and more recently nationally. 

There is no quick fix. Through a mix of these things; my Diagnosis, Anti-Depressants, Counselling and just generally being more active, and over time I found myself. By May 2012 I was able to start saying, 'I am okay'. And I am. I'm okay. 

'I'm okay. Even when I'm making THAT face.'