27th November

I was in UCD last weekend. It was first proper time I'd been back in two months. Even counting every summer over the past 4 years it's the longest I've been away from UCD. 

I am such a nerd...

And while I should be reflecting on why I was on campus (ASIST - Suicide Prevention Training) and I will make a mental note to do so later on, right now I want to look at the complete difference in your social life not being in University makes.

As socially isolating as I found University at times, not being in college can also be isolating. This is my first year since I was 3 years old NOT in education. This is the first year I don't get at least 2 weeks off for Christmas Holidays. This is post-academia and it's really kinda scary.

What a change entering the 'real world' is, as I like to call it.

Crafting To Ease The Pain

Two years ago I decided to start crafting. If there is one thing I don't like, it's having too much spare time. I had entire summer to kill, so what better way to keep busy then to get creative?

While I can't claim to be the next Martha Stewart, I do enjoy sitting down and spending an afternoon putting together new decorations for my bedroom, or a hand-made gift for a friend or relative.

As a student I was the same. I needed extra-curricular projects to keep busy, to escape the fact that being on my own or having nothing to do left me alone with my thoughts. And a Depressive's thoughts can be very harmful. Whether it be creating UCD's Before I Die Wall or campaign managing Students' Union election hopefuls, I busied myself with all sorts of projects I was passionate about. At times it did lead me to taking on too much. I burnt out. But I preferred that to hiding under my duvet for days on end. Spare time meant I had to deal with my distorted patterns of thinking: jumping to conclusions, feeling inferior & unworthy, discounting the positives.

'Before I Die...' Wall, UCD

I also think my obsession with keeping busy also comes from how alone I felt in my 1st year of University. I felt that I was missing out on certain aspects of the college experience (See: Where it all began...) . So I threw myself into everything that came my way over the next few years. By my 3rd year I had more than made up for it through committee, society, students' union and peer-mentor involvement.

And when it came to the summer holidays I found myself with a lot of time I needed to fill to stay healthy. I spent a lot of this time reading. I'd immerse myself in stories; fantasies I could be a part of. But I ran through them too quickly. Be that due to escapism, or just plain boredom. I read the first Game of Thrones in just over 24 hours. I needed something other than books.

I'm not blessed with creativity. I couldn't draw a heart until I was in secondary school (I kid you not!). So I did start out very simply, often finding DIY projects under the 'Children' sections of websites. But I took comfort from the pretty things I could create. They were simple, but my mind was focused and my hands were busy. It was a release, albeit temporarily, from my self-defeating thoughts.

Toilet Roll Owls

Pumpkin Carving

Collection of Summer 2013 Crafts

These days I have found that balance I lacked in the past. I still work on countless different projects and keep busy, but I always factor in downtime by myself and with friends/family so that I don't burn out. While my negative thinking will always be a battle, I have lately been able to identify and start to tackle the patterns.

So now I am finished UCD after 4 long but productive years, which leaves me with a lot more time to fill in an assignment-free world. But I am looking forward to being able to spend more time crafting. Not just to fill time from being alone, but because I do really enjoy it.

UCD Talks

To mark Mental Health May the PleaseTalk Committee in University College Dublin released a video titled UCD Talks. In it, 9 students, including myself, speak about our experiences with mental health and share our stories. They were all touching and gut-wrenchingly honest. I still cannot watch it through without my eyes welling up.

The video received a tremendous amount of positive attention and reactions. Within a weekend we had hit almost 4,000 views.

As Chairperson of the PleaseTalk Committee in UCD I could not have been prouder, both of the brave students involved and the huge reaching impact of the PleaseTalk message; that 'Talking is a sign of strength'.
It wasn't an easy decision for anyone involved to sit down in front of a camera and speak about their journey, their battle, their struggle, each one unique. Even I found it difficult. When it came to the night before the release I had knots in my stomach. But I believe it is needed to put a face on mental illness. The only way we can end the stigma around mental health is to normalize it. To make it a topic that we are able to bring up without fear of discrimination.
I have never thought of myself as 'brave' for sharing my story. Partly, I think that's because I haven't really experienced a lot of stigma personally. Yes, I lost a few friends over my mental health a couple of years ago. But I've had it easy compared to a lot of the stories I've heard. Making this video was a big step for me. My story, my diagnosis would be public and I couldn't ever take it back. Hence the nerves.

But any nerves, any doubts I had about releasing the video were quickly put at ease with the feedback we received. The messages of support and thanks were overwhelming. In fact, they touched me so much that I decided to collect them. Everything from public comments, to tweets, shares and personal messages. I gathered them and I printed them out. Together with some broader messages about the good work that Please Talk UCD does, they make this collage. It's something that I can keep forever, to look at anytime when I'm feeling down. To see the underlying support for what we as a committee achieved this past year brings me hope; hope that there won't always be a stigma around mental illness.  It serves as a reminder of the power of that simple message; 'Talking is a sign of strength'.

You can watch the video here: UCD Talks