You Need to Feel Life's Terror

Something that's been a under-rated help for me over the years is reading about depression.
Learning about other people's experiences normalises it. It helps you feel so much less alone. And it's allowed me to grow with my mental illness and better understand it.

Matt Haig has become the latest in a line of authors to write about their experiences with mental illness. His book 'Reasons to Stay Alive' is a small little hard-backed book full of recollections, lists and surprisingly for a book about depression and anxiety - humour.

Whether it's those things your depression tells you, or what it's like to go to the shop in the height of your low, Haig doesn't ignore the fact that the behaviour of a depressive is highly irrational. By looking at irrational actions and thought patterns from a distance, they are funny, because it's strange to look back at how it effected your behaviour and how  far you've come.

He talks about the gulf between what you feel and what you're expected to feel. How you can have everything going for you and still fall apart. He points out how we should say 'because of my depression', rather than 'in spite of'. I am happy now BECAUSE of my depression, not in spite of it. I found what my true passions were BECAUSE of my depression, not in spite of it.

It can be tough reading books like this. They always remind you of  part of your mental illness that you'd forgotten.
"Oh, my brain felt fuzzy a lot of the time back then, just like how Matt describes it." "I remember always feeling clammy too."
It brings back repressed moments, emotions, and pain. But again, you must tell yourself that it is just a reminder of how far you have come.

One of my favourite parts of the book is Haig's list of celebrities. Rather than repeating those lists of dead celebrities, those who took their own lives in lost battles with the 'black dog', Haig celebrates those who made it through. Over two pages he names famous people who chose to live, who continued and continue to fight the 'black dog', who overcome mental illness on a daily basis.

Haig says;

"You need to feel life's terror to feel its wonder."

and I completely agree. I feel and experience true happiness every day now because I have come from something so awful. This book is a must read.

"The tunnel does have light at the end of it, even if we aren't able to see it."

Rejected

I've got a little anecdote for you all today. One filled with realisations and life lessons for everyone.

I started off my bank holiday weekend with dinner and cocktails last Friday. This inevitably brought me to a bar. I say inevitably because where else would one get cocktails? And when you're 22, single, and at a bar there is an expectation to meet someone you are attracted to.

Maybe that expectation comes from friends, pop culture, family who are holding out hope for a wedding soon, or just from yourself. Sometimes we get sick of being single and lonely and tthat's okay too.

And I'm not overly fussy. I don't mean that in a bad way. Just give me a beard and a nice dresser and I'll swoon.
So I spotted myself a Glen Hansard lookalike. Now I don't know about you, but I'd never say Glen is the best looking guy in the world. Which is important to note for this story.

Hey Glen

I sent my wing-woman over. To her credit, she did amazing work, and to his credit, he came over to our table. But he took one look at me and shook his head. And it hurt like hell.

May Round-Up

This month was amazing, and full of so many little memories that I wanted to share with you all. Here's my Round-Up of what's been keeping me going for the past 4 weeks.

My favourite new Rimmel goodies. From foundation to primer to powder and lippie. Really loving the primer for a perfect look.

The month of May was metal health awareness month with the Green Ribbon campaign from See Change.

Wearing this with pride during the first 3 weeks of May as Ireland became an island of pride.

My darling friend gave me a little mini Iron Man.

My first ever Glossy Box this month was full of wonderful goodies; 

I wrote Good Luck Cards for my Junior Cert year group.

I bought this book, 'Reasons to Stay Alive' by Matt Haig, with an Easons voucher I had, and it was my best purchase of the month by far. 

Getting back into the crafting spirit by starting with my own card making station.

It's the little things like these that are so important to our mental health. Take care.

xoxo

I'm a grown up now

I've never felt as grown up as I do now. I've got the job, disposable income, great hair (I'm kidding, I badly need a haircut).

New jobs mean new friends, and I have been so lucky with the fabulous people I've had the pleasure of working alongside over the last year.

But it's not all good news. Growing up is hard.
There are good days and there are bad days. And sometimes you get a whole bad week.
And my first year out of college hasn't always been easy.

Real or Feared

When I recount my time in secondary school these days, I am recounting the early stages of my mental illness.

I recently did an interview with The Irish Farmer's Journal, where they asked me about the start of my depression. The truth is that my mental health story starts when I was 12.

It wasn't until I went through counselling, when I became aware of the signs and the symptoms, that I recognised I had had depression in secondary school. Signs that are so obvious to me now.
It's easy for mental illness in teenager to be dismissed as nothing more than being a 'moody' teenager. But I have had depressive episodes for years. My counselor described my illness as a result of my life circumstances.

As a 1st year, aged 12 coming into my new school I was brave. I was confident and I didn't care what people thought of me. This was my chance - a fresh start.
I'm only a shadow of that young girl now. This ambitious, outgoing girl that I was 11 years ago was short lived.

I still find it hard to use the word 'bullied'. It's not a word that I use lightly. And in true Zoe form, I feel bad about using it in case it upsets other people. If you asked me when I was 14, 16 or 18 whether I was bullied I would have said 'no'. I would have said 'people say and do mean things. Bullying is such a harsh term and a serious issue'.
But bullying, whether real or feared is how I would now describe some of my secondary school experience.
So in my, and my counsellor's perception of my time in school, yes I was bullied.

Knot in my Stomach

I've been having a mid mid-life crisis lately.

That's not me being over dramatic. That's what I've been going through.
Worrying about jobs, where to live, friends, money, the future. Ugh, the future is such a burdening concept. I felt as if I were failing, or always going to fail.

I'd been so caught up in maybes and what ifs that I made myself physically ill.

My anxiety brought on headaches, a loss of appetite, trouble sleeping, pain in my chest. I couldn't concentrate or focus.
You know that knot you get in your stomach when you're anxious before a job interview? Or before you go on stage to give a speech?
I had that knot in my stomach for days on end.

Mental Illness Is Real

Lately I've become very aware that there is still a stigma around mental illness. Throw-away comments have opened my eyes to a world that up until recently I liked to think we no longer lived in. A world where people don't understand mental illness.

And I say this in the most basic sense. Mental Illness is almost impossible to understand without a lived experience. I can only imagine the reality of life for people who experience anorexia or schizophrenia. But that doesn't mean you can't be sympathetic and supportive. 

What I mean by 'people who don't understand mental illness', is that there are people who doubt whether mental illness is real. Here's a sample of the quotes I heard:

I always thought depression was just because you had too much time to think.

Monday was meant to be the most depressing day of year. well if we all survived, I guess none of us committed.

And because of the context of these comments and where they took place, I didn't have the courage to speak up and challenge them.