Just another mistake

 I don’t deal with mistakes well. I remember back last year when I realised I’d taken the wrong job; it wasn’t what I thought it was, the pay was awful, the boss even more so. I felt like a failure.

The night I realised the mistake I’d made I sat in bed and wailed. I didn’t cry – it was far more dramatic than that. I tossed and turned and tugged at my hair and hit my mattress with tears soaking through my top. It was dramatic but that’s how I felt – like my life was one big soap opera swinging from one life changing mistake to another.

Needless to say, I didn’t take another work related mistake this week very well.

I’ve spent the last day feeling physically sick, wracked with guilt at my screw up (because in my head, I am not allowed to ever make a mistake), and struggled to hold back the tears.

I used to experience this in college too. In fact, for my whole life. I didn’t take criticism from teachers well. I’d always end up on the verge of tears if my name was even mentioned in class. It became more profound in college with my diagnosis. Having depression made me feel like a failure as it was. I couldn’t even have healthy mental health. I couldn’t even be a ‘normal’ student. I’d failed to have the traditional college experience. I was weak and prone to mistakes because of my illness. My illness made me one big mistake. 

At least, that is how it felt.

When I got involved with mental health activism I felt like I’d messed up if there was a suicide in my community. I hadn’t reached them. I hadn't done enough. I’d failed yet again.

I’m currently back in that ship. So much for my positive Autumn mental health, eh?

Today I'm feeling delicate; like I'm teetering on the edge of a precipice. It's like that path that diverges and I can take one road, the way filled with self loathing and guilt, or I can take the road of the mentally healthy and forget it and move on. Except I don't know how to take that second road. I've barely ever taken it before, and I don't have a map to guide me through it. The first road of self loathing is the easier option for me... It sucks, but at least I have the comfort of having been there many times before. 

This is not end of the world stuff. I know that. It’s not even on the ‘I picked the wrong job’ level. But even the tiniest mistakes give me major anxiety. I can’t breathe. I can’t relax. I’ve only found slight release in writing this post. 

Everybody makes mistakes, I know that. But mine feel cataclysmic because they are mine.

This is not end of the world stuff, I know that. But I still can't stop the feeling that it is.