How do we move on from our past?

"You can't have a good story without a good struggle." - '101 Secrets for Your Twenties', Paul Angone

This month I've been embracing my past, with the intention of learning to leave it behind me. The month has enabled me to return to my history, my story, my darkest moments and embrace them as something I don't have to be ashamed of. But how I do I go forward after examining my past?

Does time heal?
The distance between the events and my telling them has made it much easier to embrace some of the topics I've discussed this month - suicide and self-harm in particular.

While my scars are still visible to me, it is because I know where to look. They have faded with the passing of years.

The past only hurts because we give memories the power to hurt us. And we take back that power when we articulate it.

An Honest Look at Self-Harm

If you mention self-harm to people, it's quite probable you'll get the following response:

- attention-seeking

- not serious

- not a real cry for help

- childish

- emo

- only happens in teenagers

**Trigger warning - this post mentions self-harm**

Despite the progress in eradicating stigma around mental illness, albeit slowly, the topic of self-harm hasn't achieved the same openness when it comes to discussion.
Self-harm just isn't taken seriously. There is a stigma attached to committing such a violent act against yourself. It's seen as shameful. And so it is often ignored, even if it is a common pre-indicator of suicide.

Oxford Dictionaries

Self -harm is a coping strategy. It provides short-term release. When it presents as a repetitive action or a routine it becomes especially worrying. It can be a way of gaining a sense of control. More often than not, it is done in secret. It can be easily concealed. And not broadcast to seek attention.
It takes many forms and it can manifest itself as anything from cutting, punching and hitting to binge-drinking and drug use.

I would know. I've been through it.
And because it's such a huge part of my past, I wanted to tell my story as part of my Embracing Your Past month. While I was telling the world in national newspapers and on TV about my mental health, I would not speak about suicide or self-harm. Even when I started my blog, both topics felt off the table for me. I thought it would be too difficult a story to tell - both for me and anyone hearing it. It is difficult to talk about something that can be triggering. It's a side of my past that I have tried to hide away.

There are many reasons why people self-harm. For me, it became a way of  externally displaying my internal pain.

Self-harm stops the internal pain momentarily. It's replaced by the physical pain, allowing you to focus on the here and now. I found it could finally pause those thoughts that consumed me for months. But the internal pain and the thoughts return. And so you self-harm again, and again, and again. It's a vicious cycle.

I was immediately struck by Lucy's story in the Guardian on her self-harm. She summarised perfectly why self-harm is so common in people with mental health difficulties.

“When you keep all your problems in, it feels like you’re screaming inside,” Lucy says. “But when you cut or burn yourself, the pain is more physical. You feel like you’re releasing that scream.”

I self-harmed over a period of years. And just as these occurred in a many forms, they were also triggered by a multitude of reasons.

At one period in my life - it was because I wanted someone to notice the scars and to ask if I was okay. It was a cry for help.
At another - it was because I thought I was worthless and I deserved it.
At another - it was because I liked the pain.
At another - it was to stop feeling and thinking.
At another - I just wanted to feel something.
And another - it was because I wanted to die.

Self-harm is as much a part of my mental health story as my insomnia or my weight loss. Hiding it away doesn't mean it didn't happen - it means that I was not ready to accept it as part of my story. Nor was I ready to move on.

I still find it difficult to speak about self-harm. I am ashamed that I deliberately and intentionally hurt myself. Repetitively. I wish I had known my self-worth. I wish I had been strong enough to resist the urge. I wish I didn't have scars. As I wrote on Monday, my mortality has been tried and tested.

But I don't want to continue to live in shame for my actions. I don't want self-harm to be a 'no-go areas' for me. It is a part of my story, and it is a part of my story that needs to be told to eradicate the stigma.

If you, or someone you know, needs help you can find support at my Getting Help page.

Why I Thought Self Care was Selfish | A Conclusion

“It can be easier to break a habit than it is to establish one. We may sometimes feel lazy and reluctant to bother with a daily walk, especially if the weather is uninviting, wet, windy or cold; but it always turns out to be worth the effort.” – Adam Ford, ‘The Art of Mindful Walking’

As February comes to an end, I'm starting to wish I didn't pick the shortest month of the year for my Self Care is Not Selfish resolution.

It’s safe to say that I am not used to putting myself and my own needs first. I am a people pleaser. I find it hard to say no; that’s how I end up taking on so much. And other people’s needs always seem more worthy.

Not too long ago, but in what I thought of as a distant past, I thought I was worthless. And so I didn’t value my own health, happiness, safety or values.
I've learned this month that I often still live with that same mindset. I still question how deserving of happiness I really am.

And that's not okay.

I have to admit, I also used to believe that putting yourself first was selfish.
The reality is that it's not. Taking a break preserves your own sanity.

And this month was my chance to be selfish.

And while I did try, my mental health took a battering this month. Hindsight is a wonderful thing. The past week has been tough, and while there were better days in earlier February, they are not easy to see right now.
I struggled to feel happy. I felt overwhelmed and under extreme pressure; not just in work, but to feel this supposed happiness I was lacking.

My mission was to make self care a habit rather than a task.
And self care has slowly started to seep itself into my every day life. I don't restrict my wants (new stationary, new earphones, coffee). But I do sometimes still restrict my needs - like not taking a sick day when I can't speak or use my left hand.

My four weeks dedicated to self care hasn't seen my mental health improve. If anything, it's gone the other way. But that's not down to the resolution. It's because of life events and circumstances outside of The Romeo Project's control. I just need to get better at coping with these uncontrollable events. The month has not been wasted however, and it is important to acknowledge that. I have established safety mechanisms (my Self Care Box) and I am more comfortable speaking about my mental health in the real world (i.e. off the blog and to an actual person). And those, while small victories, are victories nonetheless.

Favourite Book of the month:
‘Self Care For Life’ by Alexander Skye and Leester Meera.
This book is full of self care suggestions and weekly inspiration. It’s one of my favourite books of The Romeo Project so far.

This takes me into March, and a month of embracing my past. Wish me luck. Things are about to get personal.