I agonize the small stuff.
Work myself up. Focus on what could go wrong.
I had a phone call to make in work. I hate phone calls. No,
that’s not strictly true. I don’t mind phone calls. But they do stress me out.
It’s the importance of them. The fact that others can hear your conversation;
even if only one way. I start to sweat. I burn up. I anticipate the worst....
*Stop panicking Zoe*
*Stop panicking*
After 10 minutes of putting it off I eventually picked up
the phone. I dialled. I sorted out the problem with two phone calls in 4
minutes. I could have saved myself all that panic...
Social situations
make me awkward. Extremely awkward. I’m okay with my friends. I’m okay hanging
out with people I know. Or, at times with meeting new people. But I feel uncomfortable
when eyes are on me. When attention is drawn my way I get embarrassed. Shy. I
lose my voice. I get a rash across my chest and neck. The rash makes me even more paranoid.
It happens in job interviews, with a panel focussed on
everything you do and say. It happens if I accidentally drop something in a
room full of people. It happens when someone talks to me in front of other
people I don’t know well.
I guess it comes from my lack of confidence. I’m naturally
shy. I don’t want to think about people looking at me. I don’t like the thought
of me being all anyone sees.
Does this sound ironic coming from someone who takes selfies
for her blog? Probably. But that’s also probably the same reason I feel more
confident and eloquent behind a keyboard than in person. I CAN’T SEE YOU
LOOKING AT ME.
I’ve been dealing with this for just over 10 years now. The rash, however, only started appearing 5 years ago. I guess I was at my lowest confidence-wise then.
When
is it going to let up? Probably never if I don’t try to find a way to deal with
it.
But how? How can I change something so inherent in me? How
can I stop working myself into a tizzy over eyes that I either see, or feel
piercing me?
And that, I do not know. Oh, but how I wish I did...
Wonderful post, it's nice to know that I'm never alone in feeling like this. Hope you're doing ok xx
ReplyDeletechaptersofkat.blogspot.co.uk
Thank you Kathryn, love your blog by the way. Long Distance Friendships are always tough! x
DeleteThis is a brilliant post, thank you for sharing...the phone at work is absolutely awful and I, personally, 100% think that it's because other people can hear your conversation, and what if you sound like an eejit, what if you stutter or mix words up or if the person on the other end becomes annoyed over something - I *loathe* making phone calls. Answering the phone I find not so bad, oddly enough.
ReplyDeleteHope you're well xx
I've decided that phone calls are definitely the worst Haha!
DeleteI get the rash too! I hate it so much, even went to the doctor about it in my second year of college. I would wear stuff that covered my chest and then a scarf every day, even in classes because I couldn't speak up in a seminar without my neck and chest lighting up, and we were graded on participation :(
ReplyDeleteAh Ruby I'm so sorry you experienced this too, but also kinda glad cos I'd always thought it was just me! It's so embarrassing when you can't hide it, and then you become paranoid about whether people can still see it or not. Thank you for sharing :)
DeleteI get the rash too! I hate it so much, even went to the doctor about it in my second year of college. I would wear stuff that covered my chest and then a scarf every day, even in classes because I couldn't speak up in a seminar without my neck and chest lighting up, and we were graded on participation :(
ReplyDelete