Real or Feared

When I recount my time in secondary school these days, I am recounting the early stages of my mental illness.

I recently did an interview with The Irish Farmer's Journal, where they asked me about the start of my depression. The truth is that my mental health story starts when I was 12.

It wasn't until I went through counselling, when I became aware of the signs and the symptoms, that I recognised I had had depression in secondary school. Signs that are so obvious to me now.
It's easy for mental illness in teenager to be dismissed as nothing more than being a 'moody' teenager. But I have had depressive episodes for years. My counselor described my illness as a result of my life circumstances.

As a 1st year, aged 12 coming into my new school I was brave. I was confident and I didn't care what people thought of me. This was my chance - a fresh start.
I'm only a shadow of that young girl now. This ambitious, outgoing girl that I was 11 years ago was short lived.

I still find it hard to use the word 'bullied'. It's not a word that I use lightly. And in true Zoe form, I feel bad about using it in case it upsets other people. If you asked me when I was 14, 16 or 18 whether I was bullied I would have said 'no'. I would have said 'people say and do mean things. Bullying is such a harsh term and a serious issue'.
But bullying, whether real or feared is how I would now describe some of my secondary school experience.
So in my, and my counsellor's perception of my time in school, yes I was bullied.

Knot in my Stomach

I've been having a mid mid-life crisis lately.

That's not me being over dramatic. That's what I've been going through.
Worrying about jobs, where to live, friends, money, the future. Ugh, the future is such a burdening concept. I felt as if I were failing, or always going to fail.

I'd been so caught up in maybes and what ifs that I made myself physically ill.

My anxiety brought on headaches, a loss of appetite, trouble sleeping, pain in my chest. I couldn't concentrate or focus.
You know that knot you get in your stomach when you're anxious before a job interview? Or before you go on stage to give a speech?
I had that knot in my stomach for days on end.

Mental Illness Is Real

Lately I've become very aware that there is still a stigma around mental illness. Throw-away comments have opened my eyes to a world that up until recently I liked to think we no longer lived in. A world where people don't understand mental illness.

And I say this in the most basic sense. Mental Illness is almost impossible to understand without a lived experience. I can only imagine the reality of life for people who experience anorexia or schizophrenia. But that doesn't mean you can't be sympathetic and supportive. 

What I mean by 'people who don't understand mental illness', is that there are people who doubt whether mental illness is real. Here's a sample of the quotes I heard:

I always thought depression was just because you had too much time to think.

Monday was meant to be the most depressing day of year. well if we all survived, I guess none of us committed.

And because of the context of these comments and where they took place, I didn't have the courage to speak up and challenge them.

Life is about celebrating the little things

My Week In Review

I've had a great week. Along with the many varied everyday occurrences in a regular week for me, I also had an interview about my mental health. And in it I was able to say with the utmost confidence that I've never been happier, or felt better in my self. Despite battles with low self worth over the years, I am now in a good place. A place where I'm comfortable with who I am, quirks and all.

So I'm celebrating the past week; the week in which I reflected on how far I've come.


I had some me-time

"The way sadness works is one of the strange riddles of the world"

This week's Monday Motivation is a little different. I wanted to share with you a small collection of my favourite quotes; the ones I find the most inspiring / the ones I feel will help you get through the next week.

I have a quote book, where for years I have been adding sentences, paragraphs, entire poems by writers and historians and public speakers. I love reading through it and feeling motivated, connected and empowered.

Here are my hand-picked favourites from the collection:

No need to hurry. No need to sparkle. No need to be anybody but yourself. – Virginia Woolf

Don’t follow your dreams; chase them. – Richard Dumb

The way sadness works is one of the strange riddles of the world. – Lemony Snicket

Nobody really cares if you’re miserable, so you might as well be happy. – Cynthia Nelms

If you are going through hell, keep going. – Winston Churchill

Never look back unless you are planning to go that way. – Henry David Thoreau

I always wonder why birds stay in the same place when they can fly anywhere on the earth. Then I ask myself the same question. – Harun Yahya

Discovery exists not in seeking new lands but in seeing with new eyes.  – Marcel Proust

It is neither good or bad, but thinking makes it so. – William Shakespeare

Imagination is more important than knowledge. Knowledge is limited. Imagination encircles the world. – Albert Einstein

I am not afraid of storms, for I am learning how to sail my ship. – Louisa May Alcott

What lie behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us. – Ralph Waldo Emerson

Do not go where the path may lead, go instead where there is no path and leave a trail. – Ralph Waldo Emerson

Have a great week.

I am More Than My Mental Illness

Four years ago this week, I went to my college doctor. I must have spent 45mins with her. It felt like forever.

After their assessment I was immediately brought to a counsellor. They told me I had depression, talked to me about my illness and booked me in for an appointment with the psychiatrist. The doctors' wrote me a prescription.

In those two hours spent in UCD's Health Centre my life changed.

Four years on from my diagnosis, it's strange to look back at the exhausted, quivering shell of a person that I was on that day. I was lost and hopeless. I was terrified of what was going on inside my own head. I spent most of my hour with the counsellor in tears, unable to get any words out.

I was recorded as being a suicide risk. But not imminently. 

But I went home that evening with my head feeling clear and calm for the first time that I could remember. I text my mum and told her about my diagnosis. I took my tablets and fell asleep almost immediately.

I was given a label that day - 'Depressed', 'Mentally Ill', 'Suicidal'.

Things I've Learned This Week

- Twitter is not private. Be careful what you rant about. The BBC may just get in touch and ask for a live interview.

- Your gut instinct is 98% always right. Follow your gut.

- Binge watching something you enjoy is never a waste of time.

- Taking advice from Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt and lifting your chin during selfies leads to the best selfie you've ever taken.

- Watching people open the presents you bought them will always involve a heart-stopping moment of 'Crap, will they like it?'

- Reading the book and then seeing the film do not make the twists and turns any less emotional.

- Sleeping on the bus is the least refreshing nap you will ever take.


- A strong lipstick shade changes everything.

- Home-made Birthday Cards are still the best birthday cards.

- You may be a hoarder, but sometimes you should hoard more and not throw away that list that is now very important for you to find.

- You may still get anxiety about phone calls, but you can do it. It's okay to hate something, and you're strong enough to get through it.


- Chatting to fellow bloggers is so much fun. Always try and make time for that.

- You are more appreciated and valued than you know.

- You always totally deserve that Mocha. Have another Mocha.